BUSY!

Ad Space

Designed an ad space.  Of course I don't like it, but I hit the deadline and had to get it in.

Really busy.

Got wonderful help from a wonderful friend today.

Looking forward to the end of the move!

Disappointed that the ad had to be in black and white =(

♥

Line dancing

Went line dancing tonight!  Amazingly fun, and very good workout.

Definitely an ego boost, as I did somewhat well in the class.

Day three of the diet, going strong!

Have to pack MORE!  ugh.  YUKKY!  I hate packing.

Then moving.  OOOOOOOOOH boy.

It's going to be quite the weekend.

Did finish my work the other day though ♥

Work

I've got a late night of work ahead of me.

It may be a couple of weeks before I post big time.

I've got lots of work and a move ahead of us this week and weekend.

I've also just started a different diet.

Day two: I've got a headache.  I'm a little cranky, but doing good.  Holdin steadfast!

This is my adorable niece.  She's 6 months old ♥

Gotta move gotta move gotta move....
Oh yeah.
I've got to pack and move.
And I'm sucking at it!
It's okay, I'm going to keep trying.
Amen.

This is a little pick up holder in my wedding dress.  I always loved the little intricate accents of dresses ♥

Children

My mom asked me a very interesting question the other evening on our way home.
She asked me "how was your childhood?".
I'm going to see a therapist soon.  I think maybe she was wondering if I consider her or my father (also known as my childhood) the reason that I need therapy.  It made me laugh to be completely honest and forthright.  Here's what I believe.  I wasn't beat as a child or abused.  So I don't consider my childhood bad.  But from birth to adulthood, what we perceive to be truth, is our truth.  In other words; just because your parents tell you that your memory of something is not correct, does not mean it wasn't your truth.  At that age, perception is reality.
Anyway, all of that to say that of course I have good and bad memories of my childhood.  Who doesn't?  I don't blame my parents for any of it.  The way I interpret actions presented to me, is my responsibility. There is something in myself that is experiencing an alternate reality.  I can't blame anybody for that.  Therefor, I sought help.  I need tools in understanding the way I function, and tools on how to function on a healthy level for my son and husband.
So yes I consider my childhood a good one.  We all have different ways of dealing with different things.  But when we turn 18, we can no longer blame our parents for all our problems.  Once we become adults it's time to take responsibility for ourselves and our impact on others.

I've got to say that I'm not entirely sure why, but I absolutely fell in love with this photo.
SO much so that I wanted to share it ♥

Head shot!

Again, I am just too tired and too much to do to post!  So sorry, I'll catch you up soon dear blog ♥

This is my ever elusive brother during our photo shoot today.  We were doing head shots.   I have so few photos of him.  He's always been very elusive of the camera.  He never actually dodged it, just never in the right place at the right time.  I think some of my other sibilings just easily flock to my lens.  But him, he is not so easily found when the camera comes out of the bag!

Saturday..

I had an incredibly busy day ♥

This is the back of a vintage chair at a very charming coffee shop named "The Abbey".  Which is run by a very cool church named Vintage Faith ♥

Just a photo

Just a photo tonight.  Too late to do anything else ♥

Nephew and Uncle both wearing flat caps.  Love.

Hooked..

My husband and I totally got hooked on a game tonight called Entanglement.  We played for an hour!  And it's now hours past our bed times.  So I'm going to bed.

p.s. I've got 6 jobs lined up in the next 6 weeks and I'm only getting paid for one of them!  Am I crazy?  I hope and pray that they somehow pay off.  I would hate to do all this work for nothing..

Moving...

We just had a family move in next door that we absolutely adore.  We are so sad to be moving away now that we're neighbors with a really cute little girl who is my sons age.  We have joked about them getting married, so just in case I haven't already, I'm calling it.  My son, her daughter, future married mates.  We'll see, if it doesn't happen whatevs.  If it does, I CALLED IT!

He he anyway we're a little stressed about moving.  We have two days to paint, move, and clean the place we're in now spotlessly.   It's going to be lots and lots of work.  But we have wonderful wonderful friends and family who are more than generously offering their service.

I am in a wedding this summer.  I have to get my fat butt in shape!  I have so so much to do in the next 6 weeks. I've got a move, a doctors appointment for my son, first therapist appointment, wedding planning, three photography jobs (one that i'll get paid a small fee for) and plenty of stress to make the world go round!!  Not to mention my sister is not happy with me.  I believe she feels that I've abandoned her in some way.  I have made efforts in my own way, but of course we all accept and give love in different ways.  I'm not a very verbal or physical person.   I try to do it in little texts and messages here and there when I'm not trying to keep my son alive.  I've learned that it's important to love people in the way they interpret love, but it's also important they understand the way you've been handing out love.

I took this photo while waiting to start one of my shoots recently.  It was taken looking up from the bottom of the Palm.  I thought it was a really cool angle, and beautiful color.  I also though it was appropriate for this post due to my new background ♥

My sister and I are very different.  We're at incredibly different places in our lives as well.  She is single, young, the world at her fingertips.  Responsible for herself, and trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life.  I've hit a point in my life where I no longer live for myself.  I have a husband and a son that I live to take care of.  It's a sacrifice every day.  I don't regret the choices I've made for my life.  I love what I'm doing.  But it's hard to understand if you're not living the same life.  My sister doesn't understand that it's not that I don't want to spend time with her, it's that I can't in the way she wants me to.  She want's "face time".  I want face time too!  But my days although not filled with seemingly important things, is nonetheless filled.  It's a feat to just brush my teeth or wash my face and hair.  Let alone leave the house.  Most days I don't even leave the house.  Again, I don't regret these choices.  But not very many people can understand or respect them.  The choices I make can easily be interpreted as reclusive, selfish, and lazy.  It's difficult to weather the criticism I get these days for the choices I make.  But I know that I am doing an okay job.  My son is alive, my marriage is in tact and doing well.  I can't be doing that bad a job.

Anyway I just have to start praying that God will really help us this next couple of weeks.  He has certainly provided us with very very wonderful friends who are all so willing to help.  I guess the test will really be how we do.  Cheers to the future.

p.s  I know I change the design on my profile all the time.  So I guess I should just start leaving little crumbs of why I do it.  I was recently inspired by Crate and Barrels beautiful organic wood works.  They built tables and decorated walls with reclaimed wood from old telephone poles, drift wood, and several other interesting places.  They sand it down and give it a lacquer so that it doesn't give you splinters.  But it's the original wood color.  No stain.  I was inspired by the beauty in the organic look of it all.  It made me really appreciate nature in it's natural state.  The wood had an absolutely ancient, sacred look.  You just felt absolute respect for the amount of work it's done for us!  You almost felt that you needed to thank each and every splinter of wood.  Although the color could be considered drab in comparison to more common wood stains, it still called for a primitive veneration.  I was in absolute awe.  So, in short, this blogs new look is me paying my respects to the beauty of the natural wood and all that it's done for me.  Cheers mate!

Honesty....

Someone I knew took responsibility for something they did that was wrong.
My husband says "there is no wrong in doing what is right".
It took a lot of courage to do what this person did.
I am proud to know this person.

On another note, I had a good day with my son.  He's teething right now, and his stitches are bothering him.  So he's not quite the angelic child that I believe he is normally.  Right now he's sort of a terror.  In fact I believe we are hitting the terrible twos early with this one.  He is testing our boundaries every day.  If we say no, he does it 1800 more times just to check if we will follow through every time.  If on the 1799th time we relent on what he is doing, he will begin to use that as his measuring stick.  He will prey on our weakness like a lion hunting an antelope.  Therefore, we have to repeatedly hold our ground be it 8 times or 1800 times.  It's pretty exhausting even just mentally.  So that's been difficult.

Going out to dinner with my husband last night was such a wonderful time.  We felt like we were just dating again.  No problems, out on the town.  Santana Row felt like a different country.  We're so used to having our son with us everywhere we go, and at restaurants that we felt oddly light being without him.  Both eating peacefully, no flying knives or forks or glasses.  No need to scream no over and over and over.  Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy the presence of my son in all we do.  And I love him more than anyone could possibly comprehend.  But feeling like a grown up is very nice sometimes.  Having adult conversations can really change your evening.

I hear we're going to have some rainstorms this week, and to be perfectly honest I absolutely can not wait.  I like it to either be warm, (70 degrees Fahrenheit is perfect in my opinion) or raining.  So I'm very excited.  I'm even hoping to elicit some nice loud thunder.  That way I get some hugs from my son.  If he gets a little frightened, I'd love to get one of those hugs.  You may think I'm an awful person, but it's the only time I get a real nice strong hug from my son.  He's so independent and SO busy!!  He's a million miles an hour every day.  He'll walk right off the top of a staircase, run down a steep hill, and superman dive off of a table without as much as a second thought or an "uh oh".  But, hugs are just too much time in his busy little schedule.  So on the very very VERY rare occasion that something scares him, I get a much needed, and much deserved (if I do say so myself) big relentless bear cub hug.  And let me tell you, I just LOVE it!  I'm going to scare the heebeejeebees out of him for the rest of his life so that I can get those hugs!  Except if Nick is around.  He always runs to my husband even if my husband is farther away.  So I just have to scare him when my husband is not around.  That shouldn't be too difficult.  Even when my husband scares him!  He will still run straight to his father.  It's very indicative of their relationship.  I don't blame my son really, because any time I'm scared, I go straight to my husband as well.  I got to him when I'm happy, sad, mad, angry, testy, emotional, cranky... Well you get the point.  I think I've only got one positive emotion on that giant list up there he he.

So honesty.  Is it the best policy?  Is there ever a time when it's not appropriate?  I mean if I really do look fat in an outfit, I don't want my husband to say that.  Is there a way to be positive and honest?  May sometimes we've just got to get a therapist.  I'll ask my therapist what her policy is on honesty and I'll get back to you he he.  Good luck with your week.

Valentines Day...

I am really amazed at the reaction people have to Valentines day.  I know some people who absolutely hate it.  They aren't lonely, they just absolutely hate it.  Some people get angry and say that we should love people 365 days of the year, not just one.  Well here's my thoughts.  It's just a simple day that gives us a nice excuse to say we love you to someone in a special way.  And western civilization gives us several easy and complicated options as to how to do it.  No reason to become angry or frustrated.  You may ignore it if you'd like, but why not let people just enjoy it if they want to?

My husband took me out to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory.  Which of course was amazing as it always is.  The wait for a table was 1 hour and 45 minutes.  So we took a walk down Santana Row and just did some window shopping!  We went into Crate and Barrel for 80 minutes!  AND HE DIDN'T COMPLAIN ONCE!  He bought me a rose and told me he loved me.  We shopped around and agreed to take on our alter egos.  Julianna and Clyde, both so rich that we thought Crate and Barrel may just be a thrift store.  We perused through several thousands of dollars items and just laughed at how cheap it was!  It was so much fun.  I really haven't had that much fun in so long.  We got our table at Cheesecake Factory later that evening, and enjoyed DELICIOUS food.  And we drove home and now it is time for sleep.  So thank you Valentines day for just giving me and my husband an excuse to go out to dinner and have a wonderful date.

Breakdown...

Looks like spring is right around the corner... I love these cherry blossoms, they are my favorite.

It's funny how you can go so long feeling like nothings wrong and then something really small snaps you.

I had a really wonderful weekend albeit busy.  I ended this lovely weekend with a pretty bad anxiety attack.
My husband is really a fantastic man.  He is the only person I know that is really good at calming me down.  I guess it strikes me as funny that the one person who really can make me absolutely irate, is also the man who is my rock.  He's my paper bag!  When I have an anxiety attack I start to lose my breath and have a hard time breathing.  He flew through the closed door like superman coming to my rescue.  It was so sweet.  Hes my paper bag.  He regulates my breathing by just giving me a look, a hug and some breathing coaching.  Anyway, my body is really expired.  So I'm going to hit the hay as my husband says.  Good luck on your week.

Sleep...

I have been so busy!  I can hardly wrap my mind around it.  My husband has been too!
This last week, we've been to the ER, I've had two jobs, and my husband has had several nights now where he wasn't off work until 6:30pm, and 9:15pm.  It's been very very busy.
Anyway, I had the opportunity to shoot some publicity photos for a show that a company named CYT is producing.  It's called Honk.  I'm not really familiar with the show, but it's the story of the Ugly Duckling.   It looks darling of course.

I also did a photo shoot for a young womans senior photos.  She's graduating from college this spring with her Bachelors in Psychology.  She hasn't even turned 22!  Way to go!  That's pretty incredible.
Today was quite long as well.  I went shopping with a friend over the hill.  She offered to drive me and my son, my only stipulation was that I get home around noon.  I needed for my son to get a good long nap.  Unfortunately, we didn't leave the mall until around 2.  When we got into Los Gatos, we saw the traffic completely stop on highway 17.  We knew we couldn't sit in traffic!  My son was hollering at the top of his little boy lungs (which are impressively capable of LOUD noises) and her youngest daughter (6 months old) had that shrill baby cry.  They were both irate, and exhausted.  So after many attempts at getting a hold of someone who could give us any sort of direction to any other way home, my husband called!  He let us know how to get over the hill without taking the highway.  Unfortunately there is only one way, and it's a long and at times harrowing drive.
I have quite bad car anxiety.  If someone else is driving on any sort of (even just barely and remotely) dangerous terrain, I begin to fall apart at the seams.  I completely unravel.  It's really quite a scene.  And unfortunately for whoever is driving, it becomes quite problematic.  I become a complete nuisance.  Anyway, she let me drive.  It ended up taking us forever due to the car being off it's axle and very sharp turns.  We made it back to her house which is around 20 minutes from mine at around 4.

My husband picked my son and I up, and we went home.  Got home around 5 and at that point my husband was getting ready for a meeting over the hill and my son and I were just trying to catch up on dinner.  My evening ended with me desperately searching for babysitting, only to be in vain and my in-laws stopped by.  Got to do the senior photos I needed to do and my son got to see some of his grandparents.  All in all, a good day.  No blood, and plenty of laughs.  Hopefully I'll actually be able to sleep tonight... I actually BARELY slept last night!

Finally.

Finally!  We had a nice day.   It was long, and certainly difficult.  But, no one got hurt!  Aedan was still difficult, I'm sure because he's teething and the stitches are really bothering him.  But other than that, it was a nice day.  I did a photo shoot, and my husband had to work really late, but it all worked out.  Too tired to chit chat.  So here is a photo from today.

Yum.

I got chinese food today.  It was sooo yummy.  I also had the wonderful opportunity to babysit my little Godson who will be one in March.  I hosted mothers group today which was incredibly fun.  And had a long hard evening with my son.  I think he's still in a lot of discomfort from the stitches and teething.  Here's my favorite photo from mothers group today.

Stitches...

My son over the last week has started climbing.  Now when I say climbing, I mean climbs to the top of chairs, tables, laundry baskets, television, everything and anything he can get his little paws on.
Today has got to be one of the few awful one's I've had over the last couple weeks.  I digress.

My son climbed onto the table (AGAIN) and as I was turning around all I heard was a large and distressing thud.  I looked at him, on the ground (all the way from the table) mortified.  He wasn't making a peep.  He had his mouth open to scream, but hadn't quite gotten the air behind it yet.  As I rushed over to him I found blood just pouring out of his mouth.  I was completely panicked.  I slowly moved him onto his back, making sure nothing was broken, I picked him up.  At this point he had officially started screaming.  It was awful.  Hearing your child in pain is an experience that I can't even begin to relay.  I rushed him over to the sink and started to try to figure out two things.  One, where is the bleeding coming from.  Two, how do I stop the bleeding.  I started using towels to soak up the blood so that I could at least attempt to see where it was coming from.  It didn't help that there was so much!  It was just gushing blood.  I am so sorry for the graphic description, but this is cathartic for me.  So I'm going to continue.  So I can't see where it's coming from, all I can see is that there is a lot and it's not slowing down.  I decided to take him over to the couch and rock him in the hopes of calming him a bit.   As soon as the adrenaline left his system, and the blood wasn't pouring as much he calmed down.  Only as long as I rocked him though.  So I kept rocking, still feeling panic.  I had blood all over me.  And not just any blood, it was my sons.  This was completely consuming me.

My husband came in the door not a minute after I had finally calmed him down.  He had fallen asleep.  Probably because it was around his nap time and the adrenaline just left him exhausted.  My husband and I looked inside his mouth and found what looked like a gaping hole above his frenulum which was split completely.  As soon as I realized that it looked as bad as I thought it couldn't be, I completely freaked.  We leaped into the truck with my poor baby and I covered in blood.  He was still asleep in my arms as we drove frantically to the hospital.  When we walked into the ER we were fortunate to have it be somewhat empty.  Maybe a handful of people.  Two with broken bones, and one with mysterious pain.  They got to us right away.  And rightfully so, as I said my son and I were just covered in blood.  I had a mixture of emotion, fear, and anger.  Fear that it was really as bad as I thought it couldn't be.  And anger ready to take out anyone who got in the way of getting my son help.

We were blessed to have absolutely wonderful help.  They were all attentive and fast working.  At this point my son had woken up.  He was no longer crying, just slowly bleeding.  After the doctor took a look at it he told us that he was going to need stitches for the hole that was just above his ripped frenulum.  My husband and I looked at each other in absolute devastation.  We knew it was going to be painful, and we weren't sure how we were going to deal with the screams.  Any cry from my son pains me, but a cry of pure fear and pain, that could put me in my grave.

The doctors took fifteen to twenty minutes to prep.  Getting everything they need including anesthesia and needles.  It was all very surreal.  Our doctor came in and started explaining the procedure.  They were going to wrap him up very tightly like a burrito, they were then going to have to numb the area using two hypodermic needles.  Once that was done they were going to have to hold his head still and lip up and open to sew the hole.  I looked up at my husband close to tears, wondering if I was going to be able to be there for my son when he got this done.  He looked at me and told me I needed to hold it together for my son so that he could hear my voice and be comforted.  The time came.  They wrapped him up, having me hold his body down so that he didn't role, and my husband hold his head so that he couldn't wrestle away.  It was the worst thing I've ever had to do.  I would much rather give birth than have to do that ever again.  My son was fine until the doctor lifted up his lip.  He began to scream as they tried to numb the area.  He was bright red, and barely breathing he was crying so hard.  I kept worrying that he was going to choke on the blood that was still coming out of his wound.  But they kept going.  He was just hysterical.  It took every bit of strength I had and then some to not rip him away from the situation and just run like hell out of there.  My husband and I were both sweating, I had tears in my eyes, and we were both trying to give him soothing words of encouragement for the long process.  Three stitches and what felt like a lifetime afterwards, I was finally able to lift him up onto my shoulder.  He was devastated as was I.  My husband looked to me and told me that the worst part of the whole procedure was when my son looked up at him with tears in his eyes looking betrayed that we would be the ones to hold him down during this painful and traumatic procedure.

I just held him for the longest time.  My husband was singing to him.  As we swayed, my son with his sobbing just trying to catch his breath, my husband and I looked at each other.  We knew right then and there, there was nothing we wouldn't do for our son.  And at any cost, we would guide him away from any danger for the rest of our lives.  Never again, would we put ourselves or him through that awful day.  Little do we know, we're only 15 months into parenthood.  I hear it only gets worse.  But as God knows, this is all my heart can handle for a long time.

Games

I have recently acquired the taste for games!
I am consumed completely by all games.  Online, on a board, with a card.  It's crazy.
I watched the movie RED tonight with my husband.  So so fun.  We also got to pick out paint chips for our new place.  It's going to be every color of the rainbow!  Yikes.  May change our minds, but until then lol.  Can't wait to move.  It's going to be loads of fun.  It's such a beautiful property.
 Goodnight world!

SUPERBOWL!

Well the Green Bay Packers won!  Hooray!
We are getting ready to pack up and move again.  We get our keys on the 27th (my mothers birthday).  This happens to conveniently be a month filled with loved ones birthdays, my mother, his (husband) mother, my sons God father, God sister, and my sister.  Plenty of birthdays this month!  I have to start packing slowly but surely.  But for some reason I just feel like I can't decide what to pack first.  The truth is there is probably less than 3 percent of my household that I use daily.  So what's the hold up on the rest of the 97 percent?  Lazy.  Uninspired.  But SO EXCITED TO MOVE!  I can't wait to get to re decorate our space.  Our home.  We'll have so much more room!  I am just soo excited.

We booked our campsite for Huntington lake this summer as well.  That'll be really incredibly fun. Our friends and family united.  It will be so fun!  I am going to sleep in a wonderful mood tonight.  I hope you were rooting for the Packers tonight!

I had a wonderful, wonderful, WONDERFUL Saturday.
Hope you have a wonderful weekend as well!

cRAZY..

I've officially had one of the more crazy weeks of my life.  I'd like for it to go quickly of course.
Well Wednesday was not such a great day.
My husband and I got in an argument.  Which is never fun.
We did find a therapist which is exciting.
My son is in pain from something and we're not sure what.  So in the last 48 hours I have called hospitals, doctors offices, and our insurance provider trying to figure out who we're covered by, where we can go, who has availability and what to do.  They all gave me the run around.  Our insurance doesn't cover Urgent Care, but it'll cover the Emergency Room. The doctors offices where we were covered were booked until May!  It was out of control.  Anyways, by the grace of God I got my son to the doctors today.  Where they told me that his problem was most likely teething.  For heavens sake, he was having trouble urinating, how does that have anything to do with teeth?

Our truck and epic tree fall!

So after 2 blowouts with my husband, 23 phone calls to doctors and insurance providers, 3 epic private problems for my son, and 1 tree falling on my husbands truck, I am officially throwing in the towel for this week!
My one saving grace, my husband and I went out to dinner with a fantastic couple who changed the trajectory of our luck.  So thank you to them, they have officially changed our luck for the better!
Goodnight!  And good riddance to this awful week.

p.s GO PACKERS!

Another hard day.
As soon as we catch a break, I will try to enlighten you of our week.
Good luck and enjoy yours ♥

Long Long Long Day...

It was a LONG day.
Don't even have time to post because I need to process.
So good night, and have a good week.

Radio!

Well I had a pleasant day today.
I got to go for a walk, and a shop and had a relatively easy day.
Got up, accomplished the behemoth task of dishes!  That is always a triumphant moment.  Got out the door for a walk which felt good.  Exercise is so important to help you start your day and feel good about the day.  Made falafel for lunch!  Yum yum!  Basically a boring morning which I don't mind at all!

Than this evening I ended up taking a much needed nap.  After my nap I got ready to go down to our local radio station KSCO.  My father just started his new radio talk show Real Estate 911.  It was SOO much fun!  Hearing my dad on the radio was completely surreal!  He was incredible.  He has the radio voice!  I can't believe it never occurred to me before, but he is the perfect radio guy!  It was so much fun hearing people call in and talk to him.  His show is all about what's going on with the disastrous local real estate.  His so informed in what has happened, and what is happening.  One woman called in crying she was so upset about everything that was happening to them.  People were so relieved to have someone to talk to who knew what the heck was going on with all of it.  I called in because I wanted to hear my voice on the radio which my sister would tell you was AWESOME!  I FREAKED out!  My sister thought I was absolutely insane of course.  Anyway, gotta go, but tune in this Tuesday for show number 2!  You won't be disappointed, and you'll definitely learn some important things!