Sunday, March 20, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Holy smokes it's been two weeks and I have loads to report.
Unfortunately, I haven't been getting much sleep and in an attempt to sleep, I'm going to postpone this post for tomorrow. But I feel that I'm back on track! On my way to good again!
xoxo,
Mer
Oh and so I don't leave you with nothing, here's a great photo I took recently...
Unfortunately, I haven't been getting much sleep and in an attempt to sleep, I'm going to postpone this post for tomorrow. But I feel that I'm back on track! On my way to good again!
xoxo,
Mer
Oh and so I don't leave you with nothing, here's a great photo I took recently...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Oh my goodness have I been busy! We moved this last weekend. Took a lot of help from wonderful friends and many many breakdowns. I learned through a dear friend that moving is one of the top three most stressful things people go through in their lives. I also learned that nothing brings me and my husband closer to death than moving with a child lol. Anyway, I haven't posted in ages because I haven't had access to internet until now. So my new years resolution is still valid and going! I have a lot of hectic stuff at work. So does Nick. He's fed up with his job. Aedan loves our new home. I LOVE our new home. I wake up so happy every morning. So excited to take a shower and go into my kitchen. I just love love love it! Can't wait for summer BBQs. Long talks with friends and family.
Good night and good luck with the rest of your week =)
Quick Note: I started doing Jazzercise (hysterical, I burn more calories laughing than I burn doing the aerobics) And I get to go Line Dancing again on Thursday! YAY!
Good night and good luck with the rest of your week =)
Quick Note: I started doing Jazzercise (hysterical, I burn more calories laughing than I burn doing the aerobics) And I get to go Line Dancing again on Thursday! YAY!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Ad Space
Designed an ad space. Of course I don't like it, but I hit the deadline and had to get it in.
Really busy.
Got wonderful help from a wonderful friend today.
Looking forward to the end of the move!
Disappointed that the ad had to be in black and white =(
♥
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Line dancing
Went line dancing tonight! Amazingly fun, and very good workout.
Definitely an ego boost, as I did somewhat well in the class.
Day three of the diet, going strong!
Have to pack MORE! ugh. YUKKY! I hate packing.
Then moving. OOOOOOOOOH boy.
It's going to be quite the weekend.
Did finish my work the other day though ♥
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Work
I've got a late night of work ahead of me.
It may be a couple of weeks before I post big time.
I've got lots of work and a move ahead of us this week and weekend.
I've also just started a different diet.
Day two: I've got a headache. I'm a little cranky, but doing good. Holdin steadfast!
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| This is my adorable niece. She's 6 months old ♥ |
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Children
My mom asked me a very interesting question the other evening on our way home.
She asked me "how was your childhood?".
I'm going to see a therapist soon. I think maybe she was wondering if I consider her or my father (also known as my childhood) the reason that I need therapy. It made me laugh to be completely honest and forthright. Here's what I believe. I wasn't beat as a child or abused. So I don't consider my childhood bad. But from birth to adulthood, what we perceive to be truth, is our truth. In other words; just because your parents tell you that your memory of something is not correct, does not mean it wasn't your truth. At that age, perception is reality.
Anyway, all of that to say that of course I have good and bad memories of my childhood. Who doesn't? I don't blame my parents for any of it. The way I interpret actions presented to me, is my responsibility. There is something in myself that is experiencing an alternate reality. I can't blame anybody for that. Therefor, I sought help. I need tools in understanding the way I function, and tools on how to function on a healthy level for my son and husband.
So yes I consider my childhood a good one. We all have different ways of dealing with different things. But when we turn 18, we can no longer blame our parents for all our problems. Once we become adults it's time to take responsibility for ourselves and our impact on others.
She asked me "how was your childhood?".
I'm going to see a therapist soon. I think maybe she was wondering if I consider her or my father (also known as my childhood) the reason that I need therapy. It made me laugh to be completely honest and forthright. Here's what I believe. I wasn't beat as a child or abused. So I don't consider my childhood bad. But from birth to adulthood, what we perceive to be truth, is our truth. In other words; just because your parents tell you that your memory of something is not correct, does not mean it wasn't your truth. At that age, perception is reality.
Anyway, all of that to say that of course I have good and bad memories of my childhood. Who doesn't? I don't blame my parents for any of it. The way I interpret actions presented to me, is my responsibility. There is something in myself that is experiencing an alternate reality. I can't blame anybody for that. Therefor, I sought help. I need tools in understanding the way I function, and tools on how to function on a healthy level for my son and husband.
So yes I consider my childhood a good one. We all have different ways of dealing with different things. But when we turn 18, we can no longer blame our parents for all our problems. Once we become adults it's time to take responsibility for ourselves and our impact on others.
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| I've got to say that I'm not entirely sure why, but I absolutely fell in love with this photo. SO much so that I wanted to share it ♥ |
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Head shot!
Again, I am just too tired and too much to do to post! So sorry, I'll catch you up soon dear blog ♥
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| This is my ever elusive brother during our photo shoot today. We were doing head shots. I have so few photos of him. He's always been very elusive of the camera. He never actually dodged it, just never in the right place at the right time. I think some of my other sibilings just easily flock to my lens. But him, he is not so easily found when the camera comes out of the bag! |
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Saturday..
I had an incredibly busy day ♥
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| This is the back of a vintage chair at a very charming coffee shop named "The Abbey". Which is run by a very cool church named Vintage Faith ♥ |
Just a photo
Just a photo tonight. Too late to do anything else ♥
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| Nephew and Uncle both wearing flat caps. Love. |
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Hooked..
My husband and I totally got hooked on a game tonight called Entanglement. We played for an hour! And it's now hours past our bed times. So I'm going to bed.
p.s. I've got 6 jobs lined up in the next 6 weeks and I'm only getting paid for one of them! Am I crazy? I hope and pray that they somehow pay off. I would hate to do all this work for nothing..
p.s. I've got 6 jobs lined up in the next 6 weeks and I'm only getting paid for one of them! Am I crazy? I hope and pray that they somehow pay off. I would hate to do all this work for nothing..
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Moving...
We just had a family move in next door that we absolutely adore. We are so sad to be moving away now that we're neighbors with a really cute little girl who is my sons age. We have joked about them getting married, so just in case I haven't already, I'm calling it. My son, her daughter, future married mates. We'll see, if it doesn't happen whatevs. If it does, I CALLED IT!
He he anyway we're a little stressed about moving. We have two days to paint, move, and clean the place we're in now spotlessly. It's going to be lots and lots of work. But we have wonderful wonderful friends and family who are more than generously offering their service.
I am in a wedding this summer. I have to get my fat butt in shape! I have so so much to do in the next 6 weeks. I've got a move, a doctors appointment for my son, first therapist appointment, wedding planning, three photography jobs (one that i'll get paid a small fee for) and plenty of stress to make the world go round!! Not to mention my sister is not happy with me. I believe she feels that I've abandoned her in some way. I have made efforts in my own way, but of course we all accept and give love in different ways. I'm not a very verbal or physical person. I try to do it in little texts and messages here and there when I'm not trying to keep my son alive. I've learned that it's important to love people in the way they interpret love, but it's also important they understand the way you've been handing out love.
My sister and I are very different. We're at incredibly different places in our lives as well. She is single, young, the world at her fingertips. Responsible for herself, and trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life. I've hit a point in my life where I no longer live for myself. I have a husband and a son that I live to take care of. It's a sacrifice every day. I don't regret the choices I've made for my life. I love what I'm doing. But it's hard to understand if you're not living the same life. My sister doesn't understand that it's not that I don't want to spend time with her, it's that I can't in the way she wants me to. She want's "face time". I want face time too! But my days although not filled with seemingly important things, is nonetheless filled. It's a feat to just brush my teeth or wash my face and hair. Let alone leave the house. Most days I don't even leave the house. Again, I don't regret these choices. But not very many people can understand or respect them. The choices I make can easily be interpreted as reclusive, selfish, and lazy. It's difficult to weather the criticism I get these days for the choices I make. But I know that I am doing an okay job. My son is alive, my marriage is in tact and doing well. I can't be doing that bad a job.
Anyway I just have to start praying that God will really help us this next couple of weeks. He has certainly provided us with very very wonderful friends who are all so willing to help. I guess the test will really be how we do. Cheers to the future.
p.s I know I change the design on my profile all the time. So I guess I should just start leaving little crumbs of why I do it. I was recently inspired by Crate and Barrels beautiful organic wood works. They built tables and decorated walls with reclaimed wood from old telephone poles, drift wood, and several other interesting places. They sand it down and give it a lacquer so that it doesn't give you splinters. But it's the original wood color. No stain. I was inspired by the beauty in the organic look of it all. It made me really appreciate nature in it's natural state. The wood had an absolutely ancient, sacred look. You just felt absolute respect for the amount of work it's done for us! You almost felt that you needed to thank each and every splinter of wood. Although the color could be considered drab in comparison to more common wood stains, it still called for a primitive veneration. I was in absolute awe. So, in short, this blogs new look is me paying my respects to the beauty of the natural wood and all that it's done for me. Cheers mate!
He he anyway we're a little stressed about moving. We have two days to paint, move, and clean the place we're in now spotlessly. It's going to be lots and lots of work. But we have wonderful wonderful friends and family who are more than generously offering their service.
I am in a wedding this summer. I have to get my fat butt in shape! I have so so much to do in the next 6 weeks. I've got a move, a doctors appointment for my son, first therapist appointment, wedding planning, three photography jobs (one that i'll get paid a small fee for) and plenty of stress to make the world go round!! Not to mention my sister is not happy with me. I believe she feels that I've abandoned her in some way. I have made efforts in my own way, but of course we all accept and give love in different ways. I'm not a very verbal or physical person. I try to do it in little texts and messages here and there when I'm not trying to keep my son alive. I've learned that it's important to love people in the way they interpret love, but it's also important they understand the way you've been handing out love.
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| I took this photo while waiting to start one of my shoots recently. It was taken looking up from the bottom of the Palm. I thought it was a really cool angle, and beautiful color. I also though it was appropriate for this post due to my new background ♥ |
My sister and I are very different. We're at incredibly different places in our lives as well. She is single, young, the world at her fingertips. Responsible for herself, and trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life. I've hit a point in my life where I no longer live for myself. I have a husband and a son that I live to take care of. It's a sacrifice every day. I don't regret the choices I've made for my life. I love what I'm doing. But it's hard to understand if you're not living the same life. My sister doesn't understand that it's not that I don't want to spend time with her, it's that I can't in the way she wants me to. She want's "face time". I want face time too! But my days although not filled with seemingly important things, is nonetheless filled. It's a feat to just brush my teeth or wash my face and hair. Let alone leave the house. Most days I don't even leave the house. Again, I don't regret these choices. But not very many people can understand or respect them. The choices I make can easily be interpreted as reclusive, selfish, and lazy. It's difficult to weather the criticism I get these days for the choices I make. But I know that I am doing an okay job. My son is alive, my marriage is in tact and doing well. I can't be doing that bad a job.
Anyway I just have to start praying that God will really help us this next couple of weeks. He has certainly provided us with very very wonderful friends who are all so willing to help. I guess the test will really be how we do. Cheers to the future.
p.s I know I change the design on my profile all the time. So I guess I should just start leaving little crumbs of why I do it. I was recently inspired by Crate and Barrels beautiful organic wood works. They built tables and decorated walls with reclaimed wood from old telephone poles, drift wood, and several other interesting places. They sand it down and give it a lacquer so that it doesn't give you splinters. But it's the original wood color. No stain. I was inspired by the beauty in the organic look of it all. It made me really appreciate nature in it's natural state. The wood had an absolutely ancient, sacred look. You just felt absolute respect for the amount of work it's done for us! You almost felt that you needed to thank each and every splinter of wood. Although the color could be considered drab in comparison to more common wood stains, it still called for a primitive veneration. I was in absolute awe. So, in short, this blogs new look is me paying my respects to the beauty of the natural wood and all that it's done for me. Cheers mate!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Honesty....
Someone I knew took responsibility for something they did that was wrong.
My husband says "there is no wrong in doing what is right".
It took a lot of courage to do what this person did.
I am proud to know this person.
On another note, I had a good day with my son. He's teething right now, and his stitches are bothering him. So he's not quite the angelic child that I believe he is normally. Right now he's sort of a terror. In fact I believe we are hitting the terrible twos early with this one. He is testing our boundaries every day. If we say no, he does it 1800 more times just to check if we will follow through every time. If on the 1799th time we relent on what he is doing, he will begin to use that as his measuring stick. He will prey on our weakness like a lion hunting an antelope. Therefore, we have to repeatedly hold our ground be it 8 times or 1800 times. It's pretty exhausting even just mentally. So that's been difficult.
Going out to dinner with my husband last night was such a wonderful time. We felt like we were just dating again. No problems, out on the town. Santana Row felt like a different country. We're so used to having our son with us everywhere we go, and at restaurants that we felt oddly light being without him. Both eating peacefully, no flying knives or forks or glasses. No need to scream no over and over and over. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy the presence of my son in all we do. And I love him more than anyone could possibly comprehend. But feeling like a grown up is very nice sometimes. Having adult conversations can really change your evening.
I hear we're going to have some rainstorms this week, and to be perfectly honest I absolutely can not wait. I like it to either be warm, (70 degrees Fahrenheit is perfect in my opinion) or raining. So I'm very excited. I'm even hoping to elicit some nice loud thunder. That way I get some hugs from my son. If he gets a little frightened, I'd love to get one of those hugs. You may think I'm an awful person, but it's the only time I get a real nice strong hug from my son. He's so independent and SO busy!! He's a million miles an hour every day. He'll walk right off the top of a staircase, run down a steep hill, and superman dive off of a table without as much as a second thought or an "uh oh". But, hugs are just too much time in his busy little schedule. So on the very very VERY rare occasion that something scares him, I get a much needed, and much deserved (if I do say so myself) big relentless bear cub hug. And let me tell you, I just LOVE it! I'm going to scare the heebeejeebees out of him for the rest of his life so that I can get those hugs! Except if Nick is around. He always runs to my husband even if my husband is farther away. So I just have to scare him when my husband is not around. That shouldn't be too difficult. Even when my husband scares him! He will still run straight to his father. It's very indicative of their relationship. I don't blame my son really, because any time I'm scared, I go straight to my husband as well. I got to him when I'm happy, sad, mad, angry, testy, emotional, cranky... Well you get the point. I think I've only got one positive emotion on that giant list up there he he.
So honesty. Is it the best policy? Is there ever a time when it's not appropriate? I mean if I really do look fat in an outfit, I don't want my husband to say that. Is there a way to be positive and honest? May sometimes we've just got to get a therapist. I'll ask my therapist what her policy is on honesty and I'll get back to you he he. Good luck with your week.
My husband says "there is no wrong in doing what is right".
It took a lot of courage to do what this person did.
I am proud to know this person.
On another note, I had a good day with my son. He's teething right now, and his stitches are bothering him. So he's not quite the angelic child that I believe he is normally. Right now he's sort of a terror. In fact I believe we are hitting the terrible twos early with this one. He is testing our boundaries every day. If we say no, he does it 1800 more times just to check if we will follow through every time. If on the 1799th time we relent on what he is doing, he will begin to use that as his measuring stick. He will prey on our weakness like a lion hunting an antelope. Therefore, we have to repeatedly hold our ground be it 8 times or 1800 times. It's pretty exhausting even just mentally. So that's been difficult.
Going out to dinner with my husband last night was such a wonderful time. We felt like we were just dating again. No problems, out on the town. Santana Row felt like a different country. We're so used to having our son with us everywhere we go, and at restaurants that we felt oddly light being without him. Both eating peacefully, no flying knives or forks or glasses. No need to scream no over and over and over. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy the presence of my son in all we do. And I love him more than anyone could possibly comprehend. But feeling like a grown up is very nice sometimes. Having adult conversations can really change your evening.
I hear we're going to have some rainstorms this week, and to be perfectly honest I absolutely can not wait. I like it to either be warm, (70 degrees Fahrenheit is perfect in my opinion) or raining. So I'm very excited. I'm even hoping to elicit some nice loud thunder. That way I get some hugs from my son. If he gets a little frightened, I'd love to get one of those hugs. You may think I'm an awful person, but it's the only time I get a real nice strong hug from my son. He's so independent and SO busy!! He's a million miles an hour every day. He'll walk right off the top of a staircase, run down a steep hill, and superman dive off of a table without as much as a second thought or an "uh oh". But, hugs are just too much time in his busy little schedule. So on the very very VERY rare occasion that something scares him, I get a much needed, and much deserved (if I do say so myself) big relentless bear cub hug. And let me tell you, I just LOVE it! I'm going to scare the heebeejeebees out of him for the rest of his life so that I can get those hugs! Except if Nick is around. He always runs to my husband even if my husband is farther away. So I just have to scare him when my husband is not around. That shouldn't be too difficult. Even when my husband scares him! He will still run straight to his father. It's very indicative of their relationship. I don't blame my son really, because any time I'm scared, I go straight to my husband as well. I got to him when I'm happy, sad, mad, angry, testy, emotional, cranky... Well you get the point. I think I've only got one positive emotion on that giant list up there he he. So honesty. Is it the best policy? Is there ever a time when it's not appropriate? I mean if I really do look fat in an outfit, I don't want my husband to say that. Is there a way to be positive and honest? May sometimes we've just got to get a therapist. I'll ask my therapist what her policy is on honesty and I'll get back to you he he. Good luck with your week.
Valentines Day...
I am really amazed at the reaction people have to Valentines day. I know some people who absolutely hate it. They aren't lonely, they just absolutely hate it. Some people get angry and say that we should love people 365 days of the year, not just one. Well here's my thoughts. It's just a simple day that gives us a nice excuse to say we love you to someone in a special way. And western civilization gives us several easy and complicated options as to how to do it. No reason to become angry or frustrated. You may ignore it if you'd like, but why not let people just enjoy it if they want to?
My husband took me out to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. Which of course was amazing as it always is. The wait for a table was 1 hour and 45 minutes. So we took a walk down Santana Row and just did some window shopping! We went into Crate and Barrel for 80 minutes! AND HE DIDN'T COMPLAIN ONCE! He bought me a rose and told me he loved me. We shopped around and agreed to take on our alter egos. Julianna and Clyde, both so rich that we thought Crate and Barrel may just be a thrift store. We perused through several thousands of dollars items and just laughed at how cheap it was! It was so much fun. I really haven't had that much fun in so long. We got our table at Cheesecake Factory later that evening, and enjoyed DELICIOUS food. And we drove home and now it is time for sleep. So thank you Valentines day for just giving me and my husband an excuse to go out to dinner and have a wonderful date.
My husband took me out to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. Which of course was amazing as it always is. The wait for a table was 1 hour and 45 minutes. So we took a walk down Santana Row and just did some window shopping! We went into Crate and Barrel for 80 minutes! AND HE DIDN'T COMPLAIN ONCE! He bought me a rose and told me he loved me. We shopped around and agreed to take on our alter egos. Julianna and Clyde, both so rich that we thought Crate and Barrel may just be a thrift store. We perused through several thousands of dollars items and just laughed at how cheap it was! It was so much fun. I really haven't had that much fun in so long. We got our table at Cheesecake Factory later that evening, and enjoyed DELICIOUS food. And we drove home and now it is time for sleep. So thank you Valentines day for just giving me and my husband an excuse to go out to dinner and have a wonderful date.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Breakdown...
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| Looks like spring is right around the corner... I love these cherry blossoms, they are my favorite. |
It's funny how you can go so long feeling like nothings wrong and then something really small snaps you.
I had a really wonderful weekend albeit busy. I ended this lovely weekend with a pretty bad anxiety attack.
My husband is really a fantastic man. He is the only person I know that is really good at calming me down. I guess it strikes me as funny that the one person who really can make me absolutely irate, is also the man who is my rock. He's my paper bag! When I have an anxiety attack I start to lose my breath and have a hard time breathing. He flew through the closed door like superman coming to my rescue. It was so sweet. Hes my paper bag. He regulates my breathing by just giving me a look, a hug and some breathing coaching. Anyway, my body is really expired. So I'm going to hit the hay as my husband says. Good luck on your week.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Sleep...
I have been so busy! I can hardly wrap my mind around it. My husband has been too!
This last week, we've been to the ER, I've had two jobs, and my husband has had several nights now where he wasn't off work until 6:30pm, and 9:15pm. It's been very very busy.
Anyway, I had the opportunity to shoot some publicity photos for a show that a company named CYT is producing. It's called Honk. I'm not really familiar with the show, but it's the story of the Ugly Duckling. It looks darling of course.
I also did a photo shoot for a young womans senior photos. She's graduating from college this spring with her Bachelors in Psychology. She hasn't even turned 22! Way to go! That's pretty incredible.
Today was quite long as well. I went shopping with a friend over the hill. She offered to drive me and my son, my only stipulation was that I get home around noon. I needed for my son to get a good long nap. Unfortunately, we didn't leave the mall until around 2. When we got into Los Gatos, we saw the traffic completely stop on highway 17. We knew we couldn't sit in traffic! My son was hollering at the top of his little boy lungs (which are impressively capable of LOUD noises) and her youngest daughter (6 months old) had that shrill baby cry. They were both irate, and exhausted. So after many attempts at getting a hold of someone who could give us any sort of direction to any other way home, my husband called! He let us know how to get over the hill without taking the highway. Unfortunately there is only one way, and it's a long and at times harrowing drive.
I have quite bad car anxiety. If someone else is driving on any sort of (even just barely and remotely) dangerous terrain, I begin to fall apart at the seams. I completely unravel. It's really quite a scene. And unfortunately for whoever is driving, it becomes quite problematic. I become a complete nuisance. Anyway, she let me drive. It ended up taking us forever due to the car being off it's axle and very sharp turns. We made it back to her house which is around 20 minutes from mine at around 4.
My husband picked my son and I up, and we went home. Got home around 5 and at that point my husband was getting ready for a meeting over the hill and my son and I were just trying to catch up on dinner. My evening ended with me desperately searching for babysitting, only to be in vain and my in-laws stopped by. Got to do the senior photos I needed to do and my son got to see some of his grandparents. All in all, a good day. No blood, and plenty of laughs. Hopefully I'll actually be able to sleep tonight... I actually BARELY slept last night!
This last week, we've been to the ER, I've had two jobs, and my husband has had several nights now where he wasn't off work until 6:30pm, and 9:15pm. It's been very very busy.
Anyway, I had the opportunity to shoot some publicity photos for a show that a company named CYT is producing. It's called Honk. I'm not really familiar with the show, but it's the story of the Ugly Duckling. It looks darling of course.
I also did a photo shoot for a young womans senior photos. She's graduating from college this spring with her Bachelors in Psychology. She hasn't even turned 22! Way to go! That's pretty incredible.
Today was quite long as well. I went shopping with a friend over the hill. She offered to drive me and my son, my only stipulation was that I get home around noon. I needed for my son to get a good long nap. Unfortunately, we didn't leave the mall until around 2. When we got into Los Gatos, we saw the traffic completely stop on highway 17. We knew we couldn't sit in traffic! My son was hollering at the top of his little boy lungs (which are impressively capable of LOUD noises) and her youngest daughter (6 months old) had that shrill baby cry. They were both irate, and exhausted. So after many attempts at getting a hold of someone who could give us any sort of direction to any other way home, my husband called! He let us know how to get over the hill without taking the highway. Unfortunately there is only one way, and it's a long and at times harrowing drive.
I have quite bad car anxiety. If someone else is driving on any sort of (even just barely and remotely) dangerous terrain, I begin to fall apart at the seams. I completely unravel. It's really quite a scene. And unfortunately for whoever is driving, it becomes quite problematic. I become a complete nuisance. Anyway, she let me drive. It ended up taking us forever due to the car being off it's axle and very sharp turns. We made it back to her house which is around 20 minutes from mine at around 4.
My husband picked my son and I up, and we went home. Got home around 5 and at that point my husband was getting ready for a meeting over the hill and my son and I were just trying to catch up on dinner. My evening ended with me desperately searching for babysitting, only to be in vain and my in-laws stopped by. Got to do the senior photos I needed to do and my son got to see some of his grandparents. All in all, a good day. No blood, and plenty of laughs. Hopefully I'll actually be able to sleep tonight... I actually BARELY slept last night!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Finally.
Finally! We had a nice day. It was long, and certainly difficult. But, no one got hurt! Aedan was still difficult, I'm sure because he's teething and the stitches are really bothering him. But other than that, it was a nice day. I did a photo shoot, and my husband had to work really late, but it all worked out. Too tired to chit chat. So here is a photo from today.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Yum.
I got chinese food today. It was sooo yummy. I also had the wonderful opportunity to babysit my little Godson who will be one in March. I hosted mothers group today which was incredibly fun. And had a long hard evening with my son. I think he's still in a lot of discomfort from the stitches and teething. Here's my favorite photo from mothers group today.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Stitches...
My son over the last week has started climbing. Now when I say climbing, I mean climbs to the top of chairs, tables, laundry baskets, television, everything and anything he can get his little paws on.
Today has got to be one of the few awful one's I've had over the last couple weeks. I digress.
My son climbed onto the table (AGAIN) and as I was turning around all I heard was a large and distressing thud. I looked at him, on the ground (all the way from the table) mortified. He wasn't making a peep. He had his mouth open to scream, but hadn't quite gotten the air behind it yet. As I rushed over to him I found blood just pouring out of his mouth. I was completely panicked. I slowly moved him onto his back, making sure nothing was broken, I picked him up. At this point he had officially started screaming. It was awful. Hearing your child in pain is an experience that I can't even begin to relay. I rushed him over to the sink and started to try to figure out two things. One, where is the bleeding coming from. Two, how do I stop the bleeding. I started using towels to soak up the blood so that I could at least attempt to see where it was coming from. It didn't help that there was so much! It was just gushing blood. I am so sorry for the graphic description, but this is cathartic for me. So I'm going to continue. So I can't see where it's coming from, all I can see is that there is a lot and it's not slowing down. I decided to take him over to the couch and rock him in the hopes of calming him a bit. As soon as the adrenaline left his system, and the blood wasn't pouring as much he calmed down. Only as long as I rocked him though. So I kept rocking, still feeling panic. I had blood all over me. And not just any blood, it was my sons. This was completely consuming me.
My husband came in the door not a minute after I had finally calmed him down. He had fallen asleep. Probably because it was around his nap time and the adrenaline just left him exhausted. My husband and I looked inside his mouth and found what looked like a gaping hole above his frenulum which was split completely. As soon as I realized that it looked as bad as I thought it couldn't be, I completely freaked. We leaped into the truck with my poor baby and I covered in blood. He was still asleep in my arms as we drove frantically to the hospital. When we walked into the ER we were fortunate to have it be somewhat empty. Maybe a handful of people. Two with broken bones, and one with mysterious pain. They got to us right away. And rightfully so, as I said my son and I were just covered in blood. I had a mixture of emotion, fear, and anger. Fear that it was really as bad as I thought it couldn't be. And anger ready to take out anyone who got in the way of getting my son help.
We were blessed to have absolutely wonderful help. They were all attentive and fast working. At this point my son had woken up. He was no longer crying, just slowly bleeding. After the doctor took a look at it he told us that he was going to need stitches for the hole that was just above his ripped frenulum. My husband and I looked at each other in absolute devastation. We knew it was going to be painful, and we weren't sure how we were going to deal with the screams. Any cry from my son pains me, but a cry of pure fear and pain, that could put me in my grave.
The doctors took fifteen to twenty minutes to prep. Getting everything they need including anesthesia and needles. It was all very surreal. Our doctor came in and started explaining the procedure. They were going to wrap him up very tightly like a burrito, they were then going to have to numb the area using two hypodermic needles. Once that was done they were going to have to hold his head still and lip up and open to sew the hole. I looked up at my husband close to tears, wondering if I was going to be able to be there for my son when he got this done. He looked at me and told me I needed to hold it together for my son so that he could hear my voice and be comforted. The time came. They wrapped him up, having me hold his body down so that he didn't role, and my husband hold his head so that he couldn't wrestle away. It was the worst thing I've ever had to do. I would much rather give birth than have to do that ever again. My son was fine until the doctor lifted up his lip. He began to scream as they tried to numb the area. He was bright red, and barely breathing he was crying so hard. I kept worrying that he was going to choke on the blood that was still coming out of his wound. But they kept going. He was just hysterical. It took every bit of strength I had and then some to not rip him away from the situation and just run like hell out of there. My husband and I were both sweating, I had tears in my eyes, and we were both trying to give him soothing words of encouragement for the long process. Three stitches and what felt like a lifetime afterwards, I was finally able to lift him up onto my shoulder. He was devastated as was I. My husband looked to me and told me that the worst part of the whole procedure was when my son looked up at him with tears in his eyes looking betrayed that we would be the ones to hold him down during this painful and traumatic procedure.
I just held him for the longest time. My husband was singing to him. As we swayed, my son with his sobbing just trying to catch his breath, my husband and I looked at each other. We knew right then and there, there was nothing we wouldn't do for our son. And at any cost, we would guide him away from any danger for the rest of our lives. Never again, would we put ourselves or him through that awful day. Little do we know, we're only 15 months into parenthood. I hear it only gets worse. But as God knows, this is all my heart can handle for a long time.
Today has got to be one of the few awful one's I've had over the last couple weeks. I digress.
My son climbed onto the table (AGAIN) and as I was turning around all I heard was a large and distressing thud. I looked at him, on the ground (all the way from the table) mortified. He wasn't making a peep. He had his mouth open to scream, but hadn't quite gotten the air behind it yet. As I rushed over to him I found blood just pouring out of his mouth. I was completely panicked. I slowly moved him onto his back, making sure nothing was broken, I picked him up. At this point he had officially started screaming. It was awful. Hearing your child in pain is an experience that I can't even begin to relay. I rushed him over to the sink and started to try to figure out two things. One, where is the bleeding coming from. Two, how do I stop the bleeding. I started using towels to soak up the blood so that I could at least attempt to see where it was coming from. It didn't help that there was so much! It was just gushing blood. I am so sorry for the graphic description, but this is cathartic for me. So I'm going to continue. So I can't see where it's coming from, all I can see is that there is a lot and it's not slowing down. I decided to take him over to the couch and rock him in the hopes of calming him a bit. As soon as the adrenaline left his system, and the blood wasn't pouring as much he calmed down. Only as long as I rocked him though. So I kept rocking, still feeling panic. I had blood all over me. And not just any blood, it was my sons. This was completely consuming me.
My husband came in the door not a minute after I had finally calmed him down. He had fallen asleep. Probably because it was around his nap time and the adrenaline just left him exhausted. My husband and I looked inside his mouth and found what looked like a gaping hole above his frenulum which was split completely. As soon as I realized that it looked as bad as I thought it couldn't be, I completely freaked. We leaped into the truck with my poor baby and I covered in blood. He was still asleep in my arms as we drove frantically to the hospital. When we walked into the ER we were fortunate to have it be somewhat empty. Maybe a handful of people. Two with broken bones, and one with mysterious pain. They got to us right away. And rightfully so, as I said my son and I were just covered in blood. I had a mixture of emotion, fear, and anger. Fear that it was really as bad as I thought it couldn't be. And anger ready to take out anyone who got in the way of getting my son help.
We were blessed to have absolutely wonderful help. They were all attentive and fast working. At this point my son had woken up. He was no longer crying, just slowly bleeding. After the doctor took a look at it he told us that he was going to need stitches for the hole that was just above his ripped frenulum. My husband and I looked at each other in absolute devastation. We knew it was going to be painful, and we weren't sure how we were going to deal with the screams. Any cry from my son pains me, but a cry of pure fear and pain, that could put me in my grave.
The doctors took fifteen to twenty minutes to prep. Getting everything they need including anesthesia and needles. It was all very surreal. Our doctor came in and started explaining the procedure. They were going to wrap him up very tightly like a burrito, they were then going to have to numb the area using two hypodermic needles. Once that was done they were going to have to hold his head still and lip up and open to sew the hole. I looked up at my husband close to tears, wondering if I was going to be able to be there for my son when he got this done. He looked at me and told me I needed to hold it together for my son so that he could hear my voice and be comforted. The time came. They wrapped him up, having me hold his body down so that he didn't role, and my husband hold his head so that he couldn't wrestle away. It was the worst thing I've ever had to do. I would much rather give birth than have to do that ever again. My son was fine until the doctor lifted up his lip. He began to scream as they tried to numb the area. He was bright red, and barely breathing he was crying so hard. I kept worrying that he was going to choke on the blood that was still coming out of his wound. But they kept going. He was just hysterical. It took every bit of strength I had and then some to not rip him away from the situation and just run like hell out of there. My husband and I were both sweating, I had tears in my eyes, and we were both trying to give him soothing words of encouragement for the long process. Three stitches and what felt like a lifetime afterwards, I was finally able to lift him up onto my shoulder. He was devastated as was I. My husband looked to me and told me that the worst part of the whole procedure was when my son looked up at him with tears in his eyes looking betrayed that we would be the ones to hold him down during this painful and traumatic procedure.
I just held him for the longest time. My husband was singing to him. As we swayed, my son with his sobbing just trying to catch his breath, my husband and I looked at each other. We knew right then and there, there was nothing we wouldn't do for our son. And at any cost, we would guide him away from any danger for the rest of our lives. Never again, would we put ourselves or him through that awful day. Little do we know, we're only 15 months into parenthood. I hear it only gets worse. But as God knows, this is all my heart can handle for a long time.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Games
I have recently acquired the taste for games!
I am consumed completely by all games. Online, on a board, with a card. It's crazy.
I watched the movie RED tonight with my husband. So so fun. We also got to pick out paint chips for our new place. It's going to be every color of the rainbow! Yikes. May change our minds, but until then lol. Can't wait to move. It's going to be loads of fun. It's such a beautiful property.
Goodnight world!
I am consumed completely by all games. Online, on a board, with a card. It's crazy.
I watched the movie RED tonight with my husband. So so fun. We also got to pick out paint chips for our new place. It's going to be every color of the rainbow! Yikes. May change our minds, but until then lol. Can't wait to move. It's going to be loads of fun. It's such a beautiful property.
Goodnight world!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
SUPERBOWL!
Well the Green Bay Packers won! Hooray!
We are getting ready to pack up and move again. We get our keys on the 27th (my mothers birthday). This happens to conveniently be a month filled with loved ones birthdays, my mother, his (husband) mother, my sons God father, God sister, and my sister. Plenty of birthdays this month! I have to start packing slowly but surely. But for some reason I just feel like I can't decide what to pack first. The truth is there is probably less than 3 percent of my household that I use daily. So what's the hold up on the rest of the 97 percent? Lazy. Uninspired. But SO EXCITED TO MOVE! I can't wait to get to re decorate our space. Our home. We'll have so much more room! I am just soo excited.
We booked our campsite for Huntington lake this summer as well. That'll be really incredibly fun. Our friends and family united. It will be so fun! I am going to sleep in a wonderful mood tonight. I hope you were rooting for the Packers tonight!
We are getting ready to pack up and move again. We get our keys on the 27th (my mothers birthday). This happens to conveniently be a month filled with loved ones birthdays, my mother, his (husband) mother, my sons God father, God sister, and my sister. Plenty of birthdays this month! I have to start packing slowly but surely. But for some reason I just feel like I can't decide what to pack first. The truth is there is probably less than 3 percent of my household that I use daily. So what's the hold up on the rest of the 97 percent? Lazy. Uninspired. But SO EXCITED TO MOVE! I can't wait to get to re decorate our space. Our home. We'll have so much more room! I am just soo excited.
We booked our campsite for Huntington lake this summer as well. That'll be really incredibly fun. Our friends and family united. It will be so fun! I am going to sleep in a wonderful mood tonight. I hope you were rooting for the Packers tonight!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
cRAZY..
I've officially had one of the more crazy weeks of my life. I'd like for it to go quickly of course.
Well Wednesday was not such a great day.
My husband and I got in an argument. Which is never fun.
We did find a therapist which is exciting.
My son is in pain from something and we're not sure what. So in the last 48 hours I have called hospitals, doctors offices, and our insurance provider trying to figure out who we're covered by, where we can go, who has availability and what to do. They all gave me the run around. Our insurance doesn't cover Urgent Care, but it'll cover the Emergency Room. The doctors offices where we were covered were booked until May! It was out of control. Anyways, by the grace of God I got my son to the doctors today. Where they told me that his problem was most likely teething. For heavens sake, he was having trouble urinating, how does that have anything to do with teeth?
So after 2 blowouts with my husband, 23 phone calls to doctors and insurance providers, 3 epic private problems for my son, and 1 tree falling on my husbands truck, I am officially throwing in the towel for this week!
My one saving grace, my husband and I went out to dinner with a fantastic couple who changed the trajectory of our luck. So thank you to them, they have officially changed our luck for the better!
Goodnight! And good riddance to this awful week.
p.s GO PACKERS!
Well Wednesday was not such a great day.
My husband and I got in an argument. Which is never fun.
We did find a therapist which is exciting.
My son is in pain from something and we're not sure what. So in the last 48 hours I have called hospitals, doctors offices, and our insurance provider trying to figure out who we're covered by, where we can go, who has availability and what to do. They all gave me the run around. Our insurance doesn't cover Urgent Care, but it'll cover the Emergency Room. The doctors offices where we were covered were booked until May! It was out of control. Anyways, by the grace of God I got my son to the doctors today. Where they told me that his problem was most likely teething. For heavens sake, he was having trouble urinating, how does that have anything to do with teeth?
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| Our truck and epic tree fall! |
So after 2 blowouts with my husband, 23 phone calls to doctors and insurance providers, 3 epic private problems for my son, and 1 tree falling on my husbands truck, I am officially throwing in the towel for this week!
My one saving grace, my husband and I went out to dinner with a fantastic couple who changed the trajectory of our luck. So thank you to them, they have officially changed our luck for the better!
Goodnight! And good riddance to this awful week.
p.s GO PACKERS!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Long Long Long Day...
It was a LONG day.
Don't even have time to post because I need to process.
So good night, and have a good week.
Don't even have time to post because I need to process.
So good night, and have a good week.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Radio!
Well I had a pleasant day today.
I got to go for a walk, and a shop and had a relatively easy day.
Got up, accomplished the behemoth task of dishes! That is always a triumphant moment. Got out the door for a walk which felt good. Exercise is so important to help you start your day and feel good about the day. Made falafel for lunch! Yum yum! Basically a boring morning which I don't mind at all!
Than this evening I ended up taking a much needed nap. After my nap I got ready to go down to our local radio station KSCO. My father just started his new radio talk show Real Estate 911. It was SOO much fun! Hearing my dad on the radio was completely surreal! He was incredible. He has the radio voice! I can't believe it never occurred to me before, but he is the perfect radio guy! It was so much fun hearing people call in and talk to him. His show is all about what's going on with the disastrous local real estate. His so informed in what has happened, and what is happening. One woman called in crying she was so upset about everything that was happening to them. People were so relieved to have someone to talk to who knew what the heck was going on with all of it. I called in because I wanted to hear my voice on the radio which my sister would tell you was AWESOME! I FREAKED out! My sister thought I was absolutely insane of course. Anyway, gotta go, but tune in this Tuesday for show number 2! You won't be disappointed, and you'll definitely learn some important things!
I got to go for a walk, and a shop and had a relatively easy day.
Got up, accomplished the behemoth task of dishes! That is always a triumphant moment. Got out the door for a walk which felt good. Exercise is so important to help you start your day and feel good about the day. Made falafel for lunch! Yum yum! Basically a boring morning which I don't mind at all!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday Bloody Monday...
Dear Monday the 31st, please end quickly.
~Love, your nearest and dearest friend Meredith.
Well, today definitely had the potential for being great. My husband and I officially sent in our 30 days to our landlord. I am experiencing a paradox of emotions. I am on one hand alarmed, terrified. And the other, exuberant and elated. We will see. Looks like it's going to be a lot of work though. We're going to have to start packing. Which is of course, scary!
I accomplished almost nothing today. My son was up all night. I didn't know why until I woke up this morning and changed his diaper and found that he had diarrhea and had a rash so bad that when I took the diaper off his whole body was seizing in pain. As a mother, it was truly one of the worst experiences so far. To have to cause some of his pain and not be able to just take it away, it was excruciating. The tears running down his face were too much for my heart to handle. So as I wiped his poor soar bum, I cried too. He was waddling around all day in pain, and was really just miserable. I felt terrible. This is reason number 1 that my day was not good.
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| I've been playing with different templates for prints. This is one of my attempts ♥ |
The next thing I know, he finally is able to fall asleep for his nap after crying on my shoulder for some time (again I wept with him). So I attempted to go drop off a disc to a client, and paperwork to out new property management company. I was running behind and only had thirty minutes to get the paperwork dropped off and the disc. So when I dropped off the disc, I desperately wanted to talk to my very kind client. Unfortunately, I was in a complete haze of worry that I was going to miss our landlord. So I rushed out of there only to get lost trying to find the property management company. So I called my husband. Again, and again, and again, and again. Finally he calls back, unfortunately I was so frustrated I could barely speak. So I answered the phone in a tizzy. I'm not proud of that moment. Using my husbands calm simple instructions I found the place. Accomplished both drop offs without any major mishaps.
I came home, and made some phone calls and did some work on the computer. At four o clock I had decided to go for a run. I wanted to get out of the house and go for the run while I still had the will power, determination, inspiration, and time. My son woke up from his nap right after I got my running shoes on. My husband said he was going to grab my son and change his diaper (as I told him I would not change another diaper that evening, it was too much, I couldn't stand seeing my son cry or in pain). He received a late work call, and was held up. So I went to get my son and before I knew it, the sun was on it's way to setting. So I was not able to take my run.
My husband went out to get mexican feeling like consoling me after the rather horrendous day. So I ate myself into oblivion and just tried to eat away all feelings of helpless and hopelessness. Of course, that was not a good idea. And I now just feel frustrated at my apparent lack of self control, will power, and self worth. So, I am officially ending this miserable day by saying goodnight. And may we have a better week than today proved to be! Please dear God don't let Monday be a forecast for the rest of the week! Good night!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
It Takes a Village
Well, this Sunday afternoon was just filled with fun and laughter for my dear family!
We went to church this morning. Took my God daughter to communion, and my husband took our God son. It brings us such joy to pass our children to their God parents in church. It's like musical chairs with our children. It really just fills everyones heart with such joy and love.
When we were out of church we were taken out to breakfast by our good friends. They blessed us with a wonderful breakfast and time.
I got my laundry almost completely done which is quite a feat. My husband did the dishes AND cleaned the bathroom AND toilet!! Which was absolutely stellar. He blew my mind with his helpfulness today. One of my girl friends brought over some incredible Tiramisu from a delicious restaurant for us all to enjoy. We than had some friends over to watch the NHL All Star team. When our friends came over we had pizza and our children all had a wonderful time playing.
Near the end of our evening our God daughter was still screaming, and grew worse. She started pulling on her right ear and us three mothers became concerned that she may have an ear infection. Please forgive me as I digress. I recently had a huge fiasco of a week when I contracted a severe outer ear infection that was incredibly painful. At the time, I felt as though I could've cut my ear off it was so excruciating. I was not able to sleep for days before it started getting better. It got worse before it got better of course. So I couldn't help but feel fierce empathy for my dear God daughter. I was frantic (as were all of us 3 women) to get her to urgent care asap. So we confronted our husbands about it. They felt that it was probably just her teething or simply fussing. We were adamant. We united as a village and whisked away the small girl with her older sister and flew to the urgent care 13 miles away. As you can imagine at this point we are all totally flustered that our husbands had dared to disagree. Among the three of us, we slowly lost our confidence that something was actually amiss.
We all stormed into the urgent care. A village of 3 women and 2 young girls. Convinced we had justifiable concerns about the small girl. After 30 minutes of paper work and waiting, we were flummoxed when the doctor confirmed it was nothing but viral pharyngitis (sore throat). Of course, we were correct in that she was not well. But to much of our dismay we had misdiagnosed her. So of course we were laughing when one of the doctors saw us all filing through the doorways and said "look it's a tribe!" and we responded "yes, we are the village!". In regards to the saying "it takes a village to raise a child".. We had brought our tribe.
After the ordeal on our way out of the urgent care we happened upon several EMT s. The older sister who is almost 5 walked up to one of the EMT s and asked if he had any stickers. As the three of us looked up to find a very handsome EMT get down on one knee to offer our little princess a sticker we were all dumbstruck by his charm and good looks. When we looked at each other we couldn't help but begin to laugh like a pack of hyenas! Here we were, all blushing at the urgent care bound together in determination to get a diagnosis for our sick villager, when some EMT meanders up and silences us in one brief wind! We were absolutely hysterical at our child like awe and silliness.
All the way home we had a good laugh about our evening. When we came back to our husbands we all just had a lot of fun about it all. Unfortunately my favorite player (Eric Staal) in the NHL lost his game. That was disappointing. But all in all we had a truly terrific Sunday. Hope yours was as much fun as ours was! Good night and good luck with your week!
We went to church this morning. Took my God daughter to communion, and my husband took our God son. It brings us such joy to pass our children to their God parents in church. It's like musical chairs with our children. It really just fills everyones heart with such joy and love.
When we were out of church we were taken out to breakfast by our good friends. They blessed us with a wonderful breakfast and time.
I got my laundry almost completely done which is quite a feat. My husband did the dishes AND cleaned the bathroom AND toilet!! Which was absolutely stellar. He blew my mind with his helpfulness today. One of my girl friends brought over some incredible Tiramisu from a delicious restaurant for us all to enjoy. We than had some friends over to watch the NHL All Star team. When our friends came over we had pizza and our children all had a wonderful time playing.
Near the end of our evening our God daughter was still screaming, and grew worse. She started pulling on her right ear and us three mothers became concerned that she may have an ear infection. Please forgive me as I digress. I recently had a huge fiasco of a week when I contracted a severe outer ear infection that was incredibly painful. At the time, I felt as though I could've cut my ear off it was so excruciating. I was not able to sleep for days before it started getting better. It got worse before it got better of course. So I couldn't help but feel fierce empathy for my dear God daughter. I was frantic (as were all of us 3 women) to get her to urgent care asap. So we confronted our husbands about it. They felt that it was probably just her teething or simply fussing. We were adamant. We united as a village and whisked away the small girl with her older sister and flew to the urgent care 13 miles away. As you can imagine at this point we are all totally flustered that our husbands had dared to disagree. Among the three of us, we slowly lost our confidence that something was actually amiss.
We all stormed into the urgent care. A village of 3 women and 2 young girls. Convinced we had justifiable concerns about the small girl. After 30 minutes of paper work and waiting, we were flummoxed when the doctor confirmed it was nothing but viral pharyngitis (sore throat). Of course, we were correct in that she was not well. But to much of our dismay we had misdiagnosed her. So of course we were laughing when one of the doctors saw us all filing through the doorways and said "look it's a tribe!" and we responded "yes, we are the village!". In regards to the saying "it takes a village to raise a child".. We had brought our tribe.
After the ordeal on our way out of the urgent care we happened upon several EMT s. The older sister who is almost 5 walked up to one of the EMT s and asked if he had any stickers. As the three of us looked up to find a very handsome EMT get down on one knee to offer our little princess a sticker we were all dumbstruck by his charm and good looks. When we looked at each other we couldn't help but begin to laugh like a pack of hyenas! Here we were, all blushing at the urgent care bound together in determination to get a diagnosis for our sick villager, when some EMT meanders up and silences us in one brief wind! We were absolutely hysterical at our child like awe and silliness.
All the way home we had a good laugh about our evening. When we came back to our husbands we all just had a lot of fun about it all. Unfortunately my favorite player (Eric Staal) in the NHL lost his game. That was disappointing. But all in all we had a truly terrific Sunday. Hope yours was as much fun as ours was! Good night and good luck with your week!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Today, my God daughter Malia was baptized. It was incredibly beautiful. Holding her through the ceremony through her laughter and cries was just a beautiful bonding experience. Seeing her go into the water and come out was so fantastic. When she came out of the water and I wrapped her tiny wet little person into the towel, she cuddled close to me. I kept whispering in her ear to help her to calm down. I told her "I'm right here, I won't let you go, your safe. Your safe. You are safe and pure!". She just calmed right down and molded straight to my body. I couldn't help but be completely blown away by her security in my words. I was flattered.
After the baptism my God daughter and I were brought to the front of the Iconastasis. Standing there while they prepared the communion, we were brought to a complete silence in awe of the moment. The presence of God was palpable. It was terrifying. You knew at that moment that not only was He right there, but there was absolutely no way of hiding anything from him. You were completely transparent. Every thought, action, and past regret brought into blazingly bright lights for checking. Naked in front of your creator. We all have nightmares about finding ourselves out in public naked, well today, I felt like it actually happened for real.
As I reflect on todays wonderful events, I can't help but wonder why I felt relief by being fully and completely lit up from the inside out by God. It's terrifying, and it's so so amazing. But more than that, it's a relief to know that He will still love you even after He sees those terrible inner sins that we so desperately try to hide. At least we know that we will never be alone. Not if we trust in Him.
After the baptism my God daughter and I were brought to the front of the Iconastasis. Standing there while they prepared the communion, we were brought to a complete silence in awe of the moment. The presence of God was palpable. It was terrifying. You knew at that moment that not only was He right there, but there was absolutely no way of hiding anything from him. You were completely transparent. Every thought, action, and past regret brought into blazingly bright lights for checking. Naked in front of your creator. We all have nightmares about finding ourselves out in public naked, well today, I felt like it actually happened for real.
As I reflect on todays wonderful events, I can't help but wonder why I felt relief by being fully and completely lit up from the inside out by God. It's terrifying, and it's so so amazing. But more than that, it's a relief to know that He will still love you even after He sees those terrible inner sins that we so desperately try to hide. At least we know that we will never be alone. Not if we trust in Him.
Self Respect
He that respects himself is safe from others;
he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
How is it that one achieves self respect, or self worth?
I find throughout my days, I can't help but feel that no matter what I do, I am no good. No matter how many good things I do, they'll never justify the bad. I go through my day trying to be a good person. And at the end of it, always feel that I've failed. It changes the way you are able to take criticism from outside. I become so easily hurt. But I don't believe myself to be a victim. I'm not a victim, of anyone but myself. I don't want pity, I just don't want my own guilt. What is humble, and what is self hate? Couldn't it be perceived as a very fine line?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Prayer
Prayer is a powerful tool that believers have. Every night when I put my son down, we say prayers. We thank God for all our blessings and unanswered prayers. We pray for good dreams and sweet dreams, no bad dreams and no nightmares. We end with the Our Father prayer. I try to pray often. Even when I'm not feeling like I want to. Sometimes I feel like God is hearing me when I pray at night. Sometimes you can feel the holy spirit in all it's glory. But sometimes, I feel nothing. And it's the nothing that can be scary.
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
~Ralph Hodgson
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
God is Good.
What we usually pray to God is not that His will be done,
but that He approve ours.
~Helga Bergold Gross
Well God is truly good. He answers our prayers in quite unexpected ways. Sometimes overwhelming us with His love. Sometimes He scares me. Right now we're looking at moving into an apartment up a hill I've never been comfortable driving. I am concerned with the location and financial situation we're moving into. I'm not sure entirely how we're going to do it. I'm praying that God provides for us and allows it to happen. But it's still very scary. I can't help but feel there is no way for this to work. I don't know that we're going to be able to afford it, and I can't see how it can happen. When I think about it, it makes me anxious. My chest starts to feel constricted. But I guess the truth is we just have to do it and see what happens. We're taking a huge leap of faith with really nothing to fall back on. I can't help but feel very concerned. The day we saw the place, I was really really torn up about it. I knew at the time it just wasn't going to happen no matter how badly I wanted it to. The next day, we found out that the owners were willing to work with us in small ways to make it happen. But sometimes I wonder if we're kidding ourselves. Because the truth of the matter is that It really is not seeming possible. But God will guide us and show us if it is supposed to happen. That I have the utmost faith in. If it's not meant to be, than I'm sure He will provide a very obvious obstacle. If it is, we will move.
On another note, I'm trying to find a way to earn extra income on the internet. I've been finding these online surveys and starter kits to making money and may try it. I am worried about scams of course, but have been successful in finding different blogs about who is and isn't legitimate. Anyway, I'm going to try it out. We'll see how it works! Let's hope I'm successful!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Blah blah ha ha.
Aye ya ya! I'm lagging in the post department! Another late evening, another photo and quote!
"A brother is a friend given by Nature"
~Jean Baptiste Legouve
I would reword it and put God instead of Nature though ♥
Friday, January 21, 2011
Posted
I am beyond exhausted and can not conceive any creative concepts for this post. Therefor, I will leave you with a quote and picture. Please enjoy your weekend as much as I plan to ♥
When at night you can not sleep, talk to the Shepherd and stop counting sheep.
~Author Unknown
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The "Natural" Disaster
I had an unexpected guest this evening. It was a last minute work thing for my husband. My husband was supposed to meet the guest outside the apartment and drop off an envelope.
I suppose that the evenings in my mind are reserved for my peace and quiet time. But tonight, the world had other plans. My son had just been put down for bed when I saw my husbands phone ringing. The man he was supposed to meet was outside. I of course not wanting to be rude invited him in. Well, the kind man had quite the booming voice and a whole lot to say. I was completely distracted unfortunately by my home looking like it had been hit by a tornado. So I welcomed him in, and my son subsequently began to scream. He knew someone was here. He wanted to visit. It was unfortunate that we hadn't just accidentally kept him up another five minutes. Our night would've been much different. Anyway, my husband is now frantically trying to find this envelope with no success. So I continue some awkward conversations with our impromptu guest. Suffice it to say, it was a long 30 minutes. But at the end, a redeeming quality. Our guest taught me something very unexpected. The importance of positive thoughts in the morning. He expressed his frustrating in waking up every morning. He always felt like he could wait to get back in to bed that night. Even before he was out! He then told me something that I will never forget. His life coach asked him "would you be happy if I gave you $20,000 right now?". His answer being like all of ours I'm sure was "YES!". His Life Coach responded by saying "what are you waiting for??". I'm sure I mirrored his response "what?". The Life coach then went on to explain that he was waiting to be happy. He was putting it off until some lucky break! What are we waiting for? Happiness is within our grasp no matter our circumstances. What is holding us back? The truth is we are holding ourselves back. We are the real reason we're not happy. And that, was a life lesson worth the thirty minutes. I learned more about myself and recent feeling in thirty minutes than I have in 21 years. That man will never know the impact he had on me. What a blessing that it all worked out the way it did!
I suppose that the evenings in my mind are reserved for my peace and quiet time. But tonight, the world had other plans. My son had just been put down for bed when I saw my husbands phone ringing. The man he was supposed to meet was outside. I of course not wanting to be rude invited him in. Well, the kind man had quite the booming voice and a whole lot to say. I was completely distracted unfortunately by my home looking like it had been hit by a tornado. So I welcomed him in, and my son subsequently began to scream. He knew someone was here. He wanted to visit. It was unfortunate that we hadn't just accidentally kept him up another five minutes. Our night would've been much different. Anyway, my husband is now frantically trying to find this envelope with no success. So I continue some awkward conversations with our impromptu guest. Suffice it to say, it was a long 30 minutes. But at the end, a redeeming quality. Our guest taught me something very unexpected. The importance of positive thoughts in the morning. He expressed his frustrating in waking up every morning. He always felt like he could wait to get back in to bed that night. Even before he was out! He then told me something that I will never forget. His life coach asked him "would you be happy if I gave you $20,000 right now?". His answer being like all of ours I'm sure was "YES!". His Life Coach responded by saying "what are you waiting for??". I'm sure I mirrored his response "what?". The Life coach then went on to explain that he was waiting to be happy. He was putting it off until some lucky break! What are we waiting for? Happiness is within our grasp no matter our circumstances. What is holding us back? The truth is we are holding ourselves back. We are the real reason we're not happy. And that, was a life lesson worth the thirty minutes. I learned more about myself and recent feeling in thirty minutes than I have in 21 years. That man will never know the impact he had on me. What a blessing that it all worked out the way it did!
With my son, it's a rare occasion that I'm not cleaning up some sort of "natural" (Aedan) disaster.
For example: Tuesday morning I was getting ready to meet a friend for a walk at 10 am. At 9:30 am I started getting my son ready. Changed his diaper, fed him. By 9:45 am I went to my room to put on my tennis shoes. I came out at 9:50 am to find my son rolling and vacuuming water up off the ground in our kitchen. I watch him for a moment, looking like Shamu at SeaWorld. Then I look to my left and find that he had emptied our 2.5 gallon water jug. It was still emptying like a soft waterfall. He's delighted, as though he'd been in the Sahara desert and hadn't seen water in weeks. I on the other hand have but 10 minutes to get to the park. So I try to take a deep breath. This doesn't quite help. Low and behold, there is still a pool in my kitchen. So I throw down three towels. To my dismay, this doesn't even put a dent in this disaster. So I decide, for my sanity, to just get out the door and go. As I lift my son from his version of Raging Waters his diaper lets out a colossal roar.
The similarities are undeniable.
For example: Tuesday morning I was getting ready to meet a friend for a walk at 10 am. At 9:30 am I started getting my son ready. Changed his diaper, fed him. By 9:45 am I went to my room to put on my tennis shoes. I came out at 9:50 am to find my son rolling and vacuuming water up off the ground in our kitchen. I watch him for a moment, looking like Shamu at SeaWorld. Then I look to my left and find that he had emptied our 2.5 gallon water jug. It was still emptying like a soft waterfall. He's delighted, as though he'd been in the Sahara desert and hadn't seen water in weeks. I on the other hand have but 10 minutes to get to the park. So I try to take a deep breath. This doesn't quite help. Low and behold, there is still a pool in my kitchen. So I throw down three towels. To my dismay, this doesn't even put a dent in this disaster. So I decide, for my sanity, to just get out the door and go. As I lift my son from his version of Raging Waters his diaper lets out a colossal roar.
I have one foot across the threshold when I realize there is excrement everywhere. It is now 10 am. I realize that as a parent, you can not put your second foot out the door when your child has a dirty diaper. So I head back in to change him. As I pull off the diaper and begin the frantic job of trying to contain this bio hazard, he reaches down grabs the diaper, and throws it like he's pitching in the world series for the San Francisco Giants. It is now 10:05 am. I am already 5 minutes late and no closer to leaving the house. I now have a lake in my kitchen, and a room with newly painted brown walls. I take a deep breath. This does no good. I feel like pooping in my own hands and throwing it all over the walls in frustration. Finally, my sons "bunners" (as we call his bum) are clean. He is dressed and I am cleaning the excrement from the walls. I wish I had a hazmat suit, but that is for sissies. I am a mother. I've got to deal. It's the closest I've come to death I tell you. So finally, with a pool in my kitchen, and a newly painted room, I leave my house as quickly as possible in a sorry attempt at finding sanity. As I arrive at the park with my odometer reading "danger, going to explode" at 10:24 am, I begin to tell my friend everything. As I finish my story she is laughing hysterically. Only then do I realize the hilarity of it all! The most important thing, is to try to keep your cool just long enough to laugh about it with a friend. I am now telling this story with a smile on my face and a memory to last a lifetime. Even though, that morning, I may have decided it was the worst morning I'd ever had.
I guess what I'd like to leave you with today is this: Happiness is within your reach. But you have to choose it. It won't choose you. And, try to take a deep breath, and walk away. Never take yourself too seriously. It'll be the end of all humanity.
God bless, and good night.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Fragile Life
Sometimes I surprise myself with really profound thoughts. Most times I annoy myself with really mundane and sorry excuses for life. But nonetheless, I do realize the fragility of humankind. The way we perceive others and ourselves can really shape our lives. The power of positive and negative thoughts is really terrifying.
On another note, my husband has some family drama at the moment. When something bad happens to someone you know, or even just on the news around your neighborhood, it really profoundly effects your feelings on the amazing life you have. The antithesis to this of course is when you meet someone who is doing "better" than you in some way. It makes you regret your choices, over think your choices, and often resent the results. As though you could go back and change them! It's hysterical! We as a human kind are really quite frustratingly silly.
My mother always said that watching the news was a bit silly. Since the only thing we glean from it is worry, fear, and sadness. Of course she wasn't speaking without exception! But still, tonight I had the misfortune of watching the television when the 11:00 news came on. Of course they are reporting on a 4 year old abducted, and have little to no hope of a positive outcome. I can't help but feel furiously angry that anyone would ever hurt an innocent child! No matter how ornery or difficult! A child is a child innocent and pure. It disgusts me. Anyways I of course walked away after turning off the television feeling angry, and scared. My worst fear is the loss of a child. Or the loss of my family.
My husband has been through a lot in his young life. At 26 years old he has lost a best friend to suicide, an uncle to suicide, and experienced much sadness at the misfortune of his family. Today he almost lost another relative to suicide. Not to mention the stress that work causes for him. It makes me sad really. The truth is that human life is so fragile. The person we almost lost is in a lot of physical and mental pain. And has lost a lot of people near and dear to him. Even though my husband is a really very strong man with a heart of pure gold, he was brought to tears today by this close call. After a long discussion we ended our evening. But not without that sad truth that life is so incredibly fragile.
Experiences in our lifetime sometimes make us feel unmistakably vulnerable. Other times it makes us callous to the tragedies to come. But today, I just feel vulnerable. There is so much violence and hate in our world. How could we possibly encounter enough hope to get us through each day? And than the little voice in my head, be it God or my psychotic mind, said "God". God is the only logical and reasonable way to deal with these vulnerabilities. Because regardless of your beliefs, even if I'm wrong about Him, what's to lose? Even if He's not there, it'll only make me a better person to believe in Him. It will only give me hope that there is a reason to keep on keeping on. He is the only logical explanation to continue through this scary road. And what have I got to lose? Nothing.
 |
| Man is harder than rock and more fragile than an egg. ~Yugoslav Proverb |
On another note, my husband has some family drama at the moment. When something bad happens to someone you know, or even just on the news around your neighborhood, it really profoundly effects your feelings on the amazing life you have. The antithesis to this of course is when you meet someone who is doing "better" than you in some way. It makes you regret your choices, over think your choices, and often resent the results. As though you could go back and change them! It's hysterical! We as a human kind are really quite frustratingly silly.
My mother always said that watching the news was a bit silly. Since the only thing we glean from it is worry, fear, and sadness. Of course she wasn't speaking without exception! But still, tonight I had the misfortune of watching the television when the 11:00 news came on. Of course they are reporting on a 4 year old abducted, and have little to no hope of a positive outcome. I can't help but feel furiously angry that anyone would ever hurt an innocent child! No matter how ornery or difficult! A child is a child innocent and pure. It disgusts me. Anyways I of course walked away after turning off the television feeling angry, and scared. My worst fear is the loss of a child. Or the loss of my family.
My husband has been through a lot in his young life. At 26 years old he has lost a best friend to suicide, an uncle to suicide, and experienced much sadness at the misfortune of his family. Today he almost lost another relative to suicide. Not to mention the stress that work causes for him. It makes me sad really. The truth is that human life is so fragile. The person we almost lost is in a lot of physical and mental pain. And has lost a lot of people near and dear to him. Even though my husband is a really very strong man with a heart of pure gold, he was brought to tears today by this close call. After a long discussion we ended our evening. But not without that sad truth that life is so incredibly fragile.
Experiences in our lifetime sometimes make us feel unmistakably vulnerable. Other times it makes us callous to the tragedies to come. But today, I just feel vulnerable. There is so much violence and hate in our world. How could we possibly encounter enough hope to get us through each day? And than the little voice in my head, be it God or my psychotic mind, said "God". God is the only logical and reasonable way to deal with these vulnerabilities. Because regardless of your beliefs, even if I'm wrong about Him, what's to lose? Even if He's not there, it'll only make me a better person to believe in Him. It will only give me hope that there is a reason to keep on keeping on. He is the only logical explanation to continue through this scary road. And what have I got to lose? Nothing.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Photo shoot!!
I had the absolutely amazing opportunity of doing a photo shoot with a beautiful family today. It was soo much fun! We took the photos down at Seacliff beach in Aptos. They turned out stunning. Due to how much fun I'm having looking through the photos and picking the best ones (hard because of the 341, barely 25 were just out of focus!) I will be going to bed without posting much tonight. But I will get some samples up tomorrow and I promise to try to make a serious post tomorrow. At least I'm keeping up with posting every day! God bless and good night!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Early Life Crisis
Well, this weekend has been calm and collected for me so far. I also have an amazing opportunity tomorrow afternoon. I am going to be doing a photo shoot tomorrow evening with a beautiful family of nine. Seven children, and two parents. I hope to be able to learn from them! I think it's important that every opportunity that arises within your life, you are able to take away some wisdom. The truth is, if you have one child, you have wisdom. With seven, your a thesaurus of guidance and advice! So that will be amazing. I'll look forward to posting some photos from that.
As you can probably tell I've been slow in the photography department. Haven't had any jobs lately and therefor am really lacking the ability to let my creative mind wander! So I really truly look forward to tomorrow.
Okay so as for the early life crisis, ha ha you'll think I'm crazy truth be told! But I am really starting to feel my age. Now before you start firing your flame throwers at me for daring to say such disrespectful things, you need to know that I'm not saying that I am "old". What I am saying is that I am starting to feel my age. Well, maybe better stated, I am starting to have my age encounter me.
Now here's what I mean by "encounter". I feel as though I am still sixteen years old. I feel like I'm too young to have made all the life altering decisions I have so far. I'm married, with a beautiful child and am only (almost) twenty-two years old. Now, I feel like I'm in my thirties. I'm starting to really look at these critical life choices that I've made and evaluate them. The truth is, in terms of maturity, I'm absolutely twenty-two. But, if you see the life I have and the way I look, you'd definitely think late twenties, early thirties. Which, doesn't necessarily bother me. I'm just a little freaked out by the way I'm able to perceive my future and past. It's discomforting. The luxury of being unattached, immature, and without responsibility is no longer mine. I am now responsible for the life of a child. He will depend on me for food, experience, morals, values, and God. That is TERRIFYING! I am all he has. It doesn't matter that I still feel like an inexperienced child. I am still his mother. Just as your mother is yours. It doesn't seem like such a big deal. But it has become a very palpable responsibility. I think I am just starting to see the gravity of everything I have done up until this point in my life. My experiences of late, seeing old friends, watching them begin careers, seeing them on television, this is what is making my life look at me and say "hey look, your getting old!", "If their not sixteen anymore, than neither are you!!!! Ha ha ha".
I don't regret anything. I am confident in my ability to do be successful in what I am doing. What I feel insecure about is that I have no idea why these things are only now dawning on me. Yet, here I am. Making critical life choices for not just me, but my husband and son as well. Whatever I chose to do can have a completely life altering consequence in their lives. It's not just about me anymore. And to have not one, not two, but three lives dependent on your choices, it's a very heavy duty. So today, I'd like to salute the mothers who have turned out successful children. People that make our society run and work. I'd also like to share a moment of silence for the poor mothers who have lost their children to war or any other tragedy. It would be absolutely devastating.
Goodnight moon, goodnight room, goodnight to the red balloon.
As you can probably tell I've been slow in the photography department. Haven't had any jobs lately and therefor am really lacking the ability to let my creative mind wander! So I really truly look forward to tomorrow.
Okay so as for the early life crisis, ha ha you'll think I'm crazy truth be told! But I am really starting to feel my age. Now before you start firing your flame throwers at me for daring to say such disrespectful things, you need to know that I'm not saying that I am "old". What I am saying is that I am starting to feel my age. Well, maybe better stated, I am starting to have my age encounter me.
 |
| My beautiful son and husband. |
I don't regret anything. I am confident in my ability to do be successful in what I am doing. What I feel insecure about is that I have no idea why these things are only now dawning on me. Yet, here I am. Making critical life choices for not just me, but my husband and son as well. Whatever I chose to do can have a completely life altering consequence in their lives. It's not just about me anymore. And to have not one, not two, but three lives dependent on your choices, it's a very heavy duty. So today, I'd like to salute the mothers who have turned out successful children. People that make our society run and work. I'd also like to share a moment of silence for the poor mothers who have lost their children to war or any other tragedy. It would be absolutely devastating.
Goodnight moon, goodnight room, goodnight to the red balloon.
Wonderful Day
I had a wonderful day today. I've been out all week. And I can't even begin to make a post that is long and thought out this evening. So I'm going to leave you with a special picture from October of 2009. The day that forever changed life as we knew it.
Also, I'm going through an early life crisis. So I'll post more on that tomorrow he he. Hope your all enjoying your Friday and weekend.
Also, here's a great article on Homeschooling. Written by a homeschooler!
I was unschooled and loved it!
Also, I'm going through an early life crisis. So I'll post more on that tomorrow he he. Hope your all enjoying your Friday and weekend.
Also, here's a great article on Homeschooling. Written by a homeschooler!
I was unschooled and loved it!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Feelings are Feelings..
When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.
~Dale Carnegie
I was thinking today about feelings and emotions. We all struggle with them. Some bottle them up, some explode with them. What is a feeling and an emotion? Can we control them? Can we decide which ones to have and leave the rest?
I am one of those women who are in love with being in love. I know the women in my family are quite infatuated the excited flutter of butterflies in our tummies. Maybe it's why my mother and I liked being pregnant? Ha ha... Regardless I've heard that I'm much like my grandmother in that I really experience emotion at a level that can be perceived as insane!
So here is my truth regarding feelings. I believe that no matter how illogical a feeling may be, we can not dismiss it as non-existent. I don't always agree with the way I'm feeling. In fact often, my feelings betray logic! So a feeling is something that needs to be acknowledged. We must face them and learn how to resolve our feelings responsibly.
Now though feelings are contrary to logic, that doesn't mean our behavior and reactions to these feelings can be, or should be. I believe that no matter our feelings, there are consequences to our reactions. No matter what it is. We must take responsibility for our reactions!
I have found myself at odds with how to react to a lot of things lately. As an adult, I no longer have the luxury of reacting in pure feeling and emotion. As a parent, I must censor every word and edit every movement so that my feelings are not betrayed by them. Sometimes we must feign ignorance of any inner distress so that we can process the correct response. It's not fun, and it certainly isn't easy. But maybe with age we will learn how to react responsibly and it will become natural. Either that or our elder and wiser are just really good at putting up the perfect distracting poster.I hate being succumb to such irrational emotion and feelings. I despise crying. It makes me feel like I'm a victim, that I'm ill equipped to deal with the world. But what option do we have for escape? No matter where we go, we will always be human. So is this a bad thing? I'm sure it can be. The heart wants what it wants, but we must remember that sometimes, our heart needs steering. It's not capable of making rational and logical decisions. Make sure that you guard and guide your heart when it's necessary. Let your feelings teach you about yourself, but don't let them define you.
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