Dancing to the Music You Can Not Hear..

"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something."  

~H. Jackson Brown, Jr

Tonight, as the evening was coming to a close, my boys and I sat down on the couch and began watching a new show called Live To Dance.  I almost cried over and over.  After every routine, good and bad, I had tears in my eyes.  My husband said to me "this is the worst possible show you could watch" in reference to the fact that I was so easily brought to tears.

I cry easily?  Well in some ways yes, and others no.  I believe it would surprise most that know me, that I am hurt easily.  In junior high and high school, I wouldn't describe my status as "popular".  But, I became really great friends with a girl that was friends with everybody and loved by all.  I believe people knew who I was because of my unique name and for the fact that I was friends with her.  She took me under her wing.  So for all intents and purposes of this post, let's just say I was quiet and observant.  I wouldn't be surprised if some had thought I was mute.  I was self conscious as all humans are.  Especially once I hit that sensitive age from 12 to 18.  Anyway, I am extremely empathic.  I don't mean in a magical way, just that I take on other peoples pain, happiness, joy, and anger.  It's a blessing and a curse.  The blessing, is that when other people are hysterically happy, I feel that joy.  I'll cry out for and with your joy and happiness.  Your overflowing heart, makes my heart overflow as well. On the contrary, I am a very sensitive person, easily hurt.  If your angry with me, I feel it.  Deeply.  It hurts me and completely consumes me.  Now the curse: you can't make everyone happy all the time.  So, I came up with a way to deal with this "curse".  I got angry instead of dealing with the hurt.  It was always easier to get angry than feel and deal with my emotions.  I hate crying.  Even though, I believe that crying is a good thing, and should be encouraged, I always feel like I'm being a victim by crying.  Any therapist will tell you that your anger is your way of stuffing all hurt in a bottle and throwing it the can.  Which they also say is not healthy.  Not for you, or the people around you.  Now we all know thats true.  But, not something you want to hear when your angry right?  I say this like I am a master of all things communication, but I assure you, this is my greatest deficit in marriage, life, parenting, and mental health.  So, back to the show.  The reason I was brought to tears, was because you could feel the passion these dancers had.  Their purest heart pouring through their every move.  So when the judges either let them through to the next round or told them they didn't make it, both the joy and crushed hopes just rushed inside my heart before I could stop it.  Hence, my incessant tears.

Dance to the whisper of music, wherever it may come from.

Well my husband and son are tucked into bed.  I'm alone on the couch quietly watching and suddenly they bring on a dancer who is deaf.  Before her dance, she started telling the story of how she started dancing and why.  She's been deaf since she was born.  For the first three years, her parents thought that she was a very difficult, and disobedient child.  Then they found out that she was deaf.  Now, I have to say that being the mother of a one year old who can hear me is difficult.  He has the attention span of a goldfish (3 seconds).  To have a child who couldn't hear my love, my affectionate names, or my stern (and incessant repetitive) no, would kill me.  So she goes on to explain that life was hard being that people couldn't understand her, and no one spoke sign language.  She had no friends, and no way to express all the emotion that we youth experience through those tremendously melodramatic years.  So, she found an outlet.  That outlet was dancing.  Now I digress.  My mother is a ballerina.  Seeing her in videos and pictures in her tutus and point shoes has always moved me deeply.  She is such a beautiful woman.  She now choreographs and produces dance pieces to everything from church shows to plays and in between.    She also teaches ballet classes.  So, I of course have a fondness for all things classical and ballet.  But I also have much appreciation for all other types of dance and music.  I am deeply moved by all things art.  Okay, back to the dancer.  Well she went out onto the stage, and began to dance with a passion I have never seen the likes of.  I felt as though I was listening to her talk through her modern pop routines ever move.  And, well, she inspired and moved me.  She made me sob.  Because even though she wasn't at an advanced level of technique and dance, it was beautiful.   A good dancer, dances from the heart.  That was exactly what she did.  She didn't make it through the next round, but the crowd gave a standing ovation and everyone was screaming, crying, and clapping.  Including me, on the couch, with my tissues.  So all this to say, she inspired me.  She made me think.

My mother, came over today.  We went to coffee and had discussions of life, and it's trials and tribulations.  We talked about the importance of money, homes, roots, material, and family.  Of course family and God are the most important.  But how do we survive without money?  Where do we find happiness?  Is it wrong to want money, to want a home?  Are we going to be poor forever?  Will we ever stop having to worry about money?  Or will we be dead by then?

Don't just be. Do.

Well I suppose it's safe to say that I'm sure everyone will worry about money till we are buried in our graves.  But is it wrong to strive for a home?  No.  I believe that it is completely reasonable to want earth beneath our feet that we can come down to even if we have no money.  I believe that a home, and land is simply a safety that we should certainly be allowed without evils consequence.  So, here's my truth.  I believe that we should be allowed to work towards and eventually procure certain luxuries such as a home.  Stability.  But, I believe that we need to learn to find happiness and contentment in what we have so that we may have peace until we find stability.  Because without peace, I don't believe stability is achievable.  I believe that if we can find peace, happiness, and stability in what we have and don't have, God will then and only then bless us with that which we are not owed, or entitled to, but we need.  And when we learn to be contented and at peace with what we have, what he gives us will be perfect.  Maybe we are not ready to accept what he has to give.  Sometimes I think that had I owned a home easily, and early enough, I would never know the meaning of hardship.  Which is an important part of our lives.  Though, the secular world seems to disagree, maybe struggle is a way for us to get to the top and be happy up there, instead of getting to the top and wondering if that was it.  We won't expect anything, so that when we find something, we won't be ungrateful.

So here is my challenge to you, and myself for this year.  Find happiness in the little things your partake of every day.  Such as beautiful skies, warm weather, or the miracle that is rain.  Water falling from the sky!  The beauty of color, the safety and health of your friends and family.  The opportunities allowed us for our freedom from bigger things and bigger tax brackets!  No worries about rotting yachts or fuel for a jet!  No concerns over the IRS or not being able to leave the house in a bikini without someone getting a picture of your cellulite or wrinkles!  We must appreciate the small things.  We must learn to be content with the life we have and make the most of what we've got.  Easier said than done!!!  I know!  Don't worry, I know.  But let's at least try.  Strive for achievable happiness.  Maybe it's not winning the lottery, but it certainly is worth the work that it will take.  Live with joy.  It is my middle name, I may as well try to embrace it in the most personal way, as it has embraced me into it's excruciatingly tight arms.  Dance to the music, even when you can not hear it.  I know we have it in us.  It's just finding the strength to do it.  Get up, and dance.  You won't regret it.

Laugh today so hard that you create tears.