Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart
and his friends can only read the title.
~Virginia Woolf
In an attempt to actually sleep well tonight, I'm going to challenge myself to keep this post rather short.
My past has come up and haunted my dreams as of late. I can't seem to get rid of it. As I lay in bed last night I could barely breathe. I felt a heavy weight on my chest. Anxiety made my heart pump at twice the usual rate. Why couldn't I fall asleep? I felt a thick panic over the idea that maybe I haven't made the right decisions in my life up until this point. What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? What if I made a different decision at a critical moment in my life? Would I still have my husband and son? Am I really crazy, but pretending to be normal?
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| My beautiful little sister in one of my favorite photos. I love the colors circulating through the picture, the blue greens and hot pinks just make this a favorite of mine as of late. |
Well I think we are all bona fide crazy. I believe we're all just trying to keep it hidden and at ease with a lot of make up and some well rehearsed lines. And I would like to let you know that I love my husband and son. I wouldn't trade them for the world. I truly could not live without him. But what about my other questions? What would you do differently if you could go back in time while retaining the knowledge you've acquired up till present? And at what age would you transport back to? Well, for me, it would definitely be sixteen. I gave my parents hell that year. It was a miracle we all seemed to come out alive from that year. Would I do things differently? Absolutely. But is it wrong to want to go back? What if at some point we have the ability to do that? Will we take it, and change the future, uncaring of the consequences? Is it wrong for us to have regrets? I think that living in the past and focusing on regret is certainly no way to live your life. But how do you move on from it?
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